Travels with Charlie.....errrr, Molly: Interesting Cab Rides, an Airline Cluster Fuck, Puppy Chow and a Shemullet

What, you ask, do all of these things have to do with one another? I'll tell you--they were all part of my day before noon.

Per my usual travel habits, I hopped in a cab at 5:30 am headed for National airport. My cab driver immediately launched into a full blown diatribe on the socio-, economic, and political implications of the upcoming election. Never one to back away from republican-bashing, I jumped right in. But I had nothing on this guy. He was more knowledgeable (and outspoken) than most top political analysts. It was like watching the News Hour with Jim Lehrer, only in a car and in the early morning. Looking back, I should have requested his name for future trips so that I can monitor his feelings on the election. Overall--enjoyable for 5:30 am.

I got to the airport, checked in, made it through security, drank a cup of coffee, and boarded the plane without incident. (Shocking, right?) I sat down in my seat and immediately passed out. I awoke to the wheels touched down in Chicago. People were bustling around me, fighting for their belongings and bumping into each other. For a second the crowd parted, and that's when I saw it. Through my bleary eyes it shown like a magnificent grey waterfall. Feathered on top, at least a foot long, and silky smooth--the most fantastic mullet I've ever seen. Just then, it's cultivator turned around and to my shocked delight, it was a woman. Making it a SHEMULLET. I scrambled for my cell phone hoping that I could take a picture without being noticed, but just like that, the shemullet drifted off, hair flowing in the pumped-in-oxygen breeze. Gone from my life as quickly as it entered. Choosing not to dwell on the negative, I thanked my god that I had been lucky enough to see it and slunk off to my connecting gate.

At this point I witnessed one of the largest cluster fucks I have ever seen in an airport. The plane originally intended to carry me to Denver had a "belly ache" (united airlines personnel described it this way) and was not able to leave its hanger. We were shuffled to another gate where there was no plane waiting. Then, United personnel began calling people to the desk one at a time and giving them different boarding passes with different seat assignments. They would get about 5 people deep and then call all of the same people again, and then laugh and say "oh, we already took care of you." This went on for about 30 minutes. They explained that this was necessary because the plane was smaller and about 50 people wouldn't be given seats. About half way through the alphabet, a plane showed up and they began boarding us, completely abandoning the reassignment of seats. (Which, by the way, seemed to have no rhyme or reason and basically consisted of people being asked if they wanted more leg room). I got in line to board, hoping I was not one of the 50 unlucky passengers and was allowed on. As was everyone else it seemed. I'm sure somewhere there are 50 really pissed off people but it seemed like a first come first served situation. Very confusing.

Got to Denver only 40 minutes late and headed to the cab line. As my cab rolled toward me I jumped backward and let out a gasp. My cab was being driven by the crypt keeper. I considered running but she (yes, she) got out and was so sweet. I got in the cab and immediately noticed that she had a small village of plastic frogs, turtles, and alligators living on her dashboard. Some with bobble heads. This image warrants this blogs very first photo. So here it is for your viewing pleasure. You can't see it that well but it's the best I could do with a cell phone.