Interesting Cab Rides, an Airline Cluster Fuck, Puppy Chow and a Shemullet

What, you ask, do all of these things have to do with one another? I'll tell you--they were all part of my day before noon.

Per my usual travel habits, I hopped in a cab at 5:30 am headed for National airport. My cab driver immediately launched into a full blown diatribe on the socio-, economic, and political implications of the upcoming election. Never one to back away from republican-bashing, I jumped right in. But I had nothing on this guy. He was more knowledgeable (and outspoken) than most top political analysts. It was like watching the News Hour with Jim Lehrer, only in a car and in the early morning. Looking back, I should have requested his name for future trips so that I can monitor his feelings on the election. Overall--enjoyable for 5:30 am.

I got to the airport, checked in, made it through security, drank a cup of coffee, and boarded the plane without incident. (Shocking, right?) I sat down in my seat and immediately passed out. I awoke to the wheels touched down in Chicago. People were bustling around me, fighting for their belongings and bumping into each other. For a second the crowd parted, and that's when I saw it. Through my bleary eyes it shown like a magnificent grey waterfall. Feathered on top, at least a foot long, and silky smooth--the most fantastic mullet I've ever seen. Just then, it's cultivator turned around and to my shocked delight, it was a woman. Making it a SHEMULLET. I scrambled for my cell phone hoping that I could take a picture without being noticed, but just like that, the shemullet drifted off, hair flowing in the pumped-in-oxygen breeze. Gone from my life as quickly as it entered. Choosing not to dwell on the negative, I thanked my god that I had been lucky enough to see it and slunk off to my connecting gate.

At this point I witnessed one of the largest cluster fucks I have ever seen in an airport. The plane originally intended to carry me to Denver had a "belly ache" (united airlines personnel described it this way) and was not able to leave its hanger. We were shuffled to another gate where there was no plane waiting. Then, United personnel began calling people to the desk one at a time and giving them different boarding passes with different seat assignments. They would get about 5 people deep and then call all of the same people again, and then laugh and say "oh, we already took care of you." This went on for about 30 minutes. They explained that this was necessary because the plane was smaller and about 50 people wouldn't be given seats. About half way through the alphabet, a plane showed up and they began boarding us, completely abandoning the reassignment of seats. (Which, by the way, seemed to have no rhyme or reason and basically consisted of people being asked if they wanted more leg room). I got in line to board, hoping I was not one of the 50 unlucky passengers and was allowed on. As was everyone else it seemed. I'm sure somewhere there are 50 really pissed off people but it seemed like a first come first served situation. Very confusing.

Got to Denver only 40 minutes late and headed to the cab line. As my cab rolled toward me I jumped backward and let out a gasp. My cab was being driven by the crypt keeper. I considered running but she (yes, she) got out and was so sweet. I got in the cab and immediately noticed that she had a small village of plastic frogs, turtles, and alligators living on her dashboard. Some with bobble heads. This image warrants this blogs very first photo. So here it is for your viewing pleasure. You can't see it that well but it's the best I could do with a cell phone.

On our drive into Denver we passed the Purina puppy chow factory. The car immediately filled with the smell of puppy chow and I choked back vomit.

It's sunny and warm here and I'm actually happy to be in Denver. Weird.

Charlotte--wrap-up

When we left off, I had just arrived in Charlotte and already it had been an interesting trip. Now, days later at home, I'm not able to remember all of the ridiculous things that happened so I'll just name a few.

Focus group members are normally paid $60 for 4.5 hours. One focus group member in Charlotte got paid $60 for about 20 minutes. That's right, I paid him to leave. Why? drunk and disorderly. Moral of the story--go to work drunk, they'll pay you AND let you go home.

A participant came up to me on Saturday and said "I'd like to file a complaint". Being used to this I said "sure, what's wrong?" and he explained that he felt that it was wrong that we are serving Evian water at the program. I looked at him, puzzled, and asked him to elaborate. He explained that we are the AMERICAN Association for Justice and that serving french water is unpatriotic. My mouth dropped open as I tried to come up with an answer, ANY answer, other than, "are you fucking serious?" I regained my composure and explained that when we order soft drinks and water we do not get a choice re: brand. He felt that wasn't good enough and that I should negotiate American water into our contract. I wanted to ask him if he would be happier if we provided Dasani water, fueling money straight into the pockets of the Coke Co. big wigs but I decided to leave it alone and promised to mention that contract clause to our meetings manager.

The faculty, directed to buy me lunch on Saturday, brought me back an enormous turkey leg. I wouldn't know where to find a turkey leg if my life depended on it (outside of the Renaissance festival) but they are apparently quite common in Charlotte. You'd think the town would smell more like turkey and less like pancakes.

Side note: In addition to the program I staffed in Charlotte, we had two other programs running this weekend in Las Vegas. Upon returning to the office I'm told that a faculty member for one of those programs showed up 30 minutes late and drunk. Apparently, focus group members and lawyers have something in common.

Next Trip: Denver, September 24-28. More then.

Charlotte--Blog 1

My 0809 travel season has begun! That means that the blogs will be back in semi-full force (read: when I'm bored or have something ridiculous to report). Today qualifies on both fronts.

The program started off with me realizing I have forgotten the lesson that I thought I learned last year. I booked a flight leaving National at 7:15 am--getting me to Charlotte a whole 7 hours before I needed to be here. Last year I vowed not to book flights so early as it forces me to drag myself out of bed before the hour of 5 am (unholy). But what can you do, sometimes people in early flight recovery have slips. This was mine.

I got in my cab at 6 am and started down Connecticut Ave without incident. Even before hitting Woodley Park the cab had to pull over to re-shut the trunk which had popped open and was bouncing wildly in the wind. The cab driver closed the trunk and we proceeded. I sat in the cab, answering e-mails and making a mental to-do list until I heard the most outrageous racket coming from the car. And then what smelled like burning rubber. I looked up to find that we were on the GW parkway, doing about 45 MPH and the driver said "hmm, I've got a flat tire. Don't worry, we'll make it there." This sounded suspect to me but you should never question a professional, so I went back to my e-mails and tried to ignore the smell/sound. We went for maybe a mile and then the ride began to resemble what I can only imagine a wagon ride felt like on the Oregon Trail....except with more burning rubber smell and lite '80s classics sound. The cab driver pulled over and told me "don't worry, I'm really good at changing tires, this should only take a second." He gets out of the car, opens the trunk and begins jacking up the car. All the while, cars are whizzing by, honking their horns and I am alternately worrying that a.) he'll be hit by one of these speed racers, and b.) I might miss my flight. Luckily, less than 10 minutes later, he is back in the car and we are on our way. I tipped him well -- after all, he could have died changing that tire.

Other notes (not as interesting):

1.) When I got to the airport and went to check in they told me that USAir now charges $17 dollars per checked bag. What the shit is that? I'm pretty sure ticket prices are high enough to cover the cost of putting my tiny bag in the large open space in the bowels of the plane. I can understand charging a fee if it was unusual to travel with luggage, but I'm pretty sure it's not. If I wanted to travel with a dog, or a snowboard, or even a small bird (yeah right! a.) that would never happen, and b.) it should fly there on it's own if it wants to go) then I could see a fee. But just my regular bag? It's total crap.

2.) Charlotte smells like pancakes. The whole town.

3.) My cab driver in Charlotte was driving 52 miles a hour in downtown traffic. I know they like NASCAR down here but seriously?!?