I’m going to tell you a completely hypothetical story. I’m not saying that this did or didn’t happen in the last 24 hours (I wouldn’t want to negatively impact pending litigation) but it’s a good story.
So….let’s say I’m away on a trip for work in a city in the south….maybe for instance New Orleans…
And let’s say after a very trying day of missing materials and hotel inconveniences, I was very much looking forward to a nice relaxing dinner and several stiff drinks. As I packed up my stuff and went to secure breakout rooms, all I could think of was how much my feet hurt and how happy I was to be dropping my bag off in my room. As I rode the elevator up to my floor, my phone rang and I could hear a panicked faculty member through static. Though I didn’t know what he was saying, I was sure something was wrong. I dropped off my bag and headed back to our program room where I was immediately informed that my faculty member’s (whose name might be Mr. T) laptop was taken. My mouth hung open in disbelief and we called security. The security guard came and questioned us for about 20 minutes. Although he seemed to partially grasp the situation, I was concerned. Mr. T was FLIPPING out because of the confidential nature of the files on the computer. The security guards fumbled around some and then called me into the back of the house. I directed them re: which camera angles to look at and what time to check and finally, eureka, we found a two minute period where a young man walked into the room and then walked out with Mr. T only paces behind him. From the footage it seemed that Mr. T might have been a witness to the theft of his very own computer! (crazy, right?) and so I went and got him and brought him to the pill-box of a security office. As we pieced the tape together, watching all the angles, it showed Theodore Thief going up in the elevator. I requested that the security officers continue piecing together events and let us know what floor he got off on. As I headed out to dinner, a despondent Mr. T slunk off to his room.
I got to the restaurant, gave the rest of the faculty an update and ate my dinner. Spent not enough time on Bourbon Street and then turned in, silently praying for the return of the computer before I drifted off.
I sprang from my bed startled by the phone at 5:38 am. I answered groggily and a response came “The game is afoot” said a manic Mr. T. “I’ve spoken to security and the bastard got off on 4. I’m staking out the elevator. Can you bring me coffee? Oh, and am I supposed to present today?” I informed Mr. T, still not totally sure what the hell he was talking about, that yes, in fact, he was presenting twice today, and that I’d have coffee to him asap. I stepped off the elevator on 4, after having quickly gotten ready and brewed coffee in my in-room machine, to Mr. T, cross-legged on the floor, staring at the hallway. I gave him his coffee and asked if there was anything else I could do. As I left, I felt bad leaving him, looking so sad on the floor of an elevator bank.
I went downstairs and demanded an update from security. “we’re working on it” was the only response I got. Hours passed, me making futile inquires, them providing inadequate responses until my course advisors got involved. They demanded to see managers, they threatened action, and the wheels started turning. They were able, in a way I wasn’t due to hotel relations, to scare the shit out of management. As I walked to the front desk for an update, I spotted a young guy, unsavory looking, around the same physical description as Theodore Thief. He was headed to the elevator. I quickly spun on my heels and whisper-screamed to a faculty member passing by (You may remember this faculty member, Biff, from a previous blog), “Biff, I think that’s the guy!!!!”
In a flash, Biff vaulted toward the elevator, with no thought to his own personal safety, no regard for his own life or limb, and squeezed through the closing doors. I said a silent prayer that I hadn’t just sent him off to a terrible fate, and ran to find the security guy.
Biff returned with the information that the suspect had gone into one of a few rooms and provided room numbers. He also did an amusing reenactment of himself trying to act casual in the elevator, and lost once exited from the elevator.
Security took the information Biff provided and did…..well, basically nothing with it. Finally, I spoke to the general manager of the hotel and explained that if they could just get a print of the security tape that we could show Biff, he would be able to confirm whether or not it was him. The GM instead sent housekeeping staff to do a “spot check” of the rooms in question.
All of a sudden a flurry began. They asked for a description of the computer, and where Mr. T was right now.
The skankiest looking coke whore I’ve ever seen was then escorted off the elevator by one of the security guards. (we’ll call him Xavier.) They walked out of the hotel and moments later, back in with a laptop. My heart leapt. I had to figure out how not to get Mr. T too excited before I knew more. This turned out not to be possible as he needed to identify said laptop. I pulled him from his breakout room and told him the news. We were escorted to the 2nd floor where police and hotel security waited. They presented us with a laptop and asked us to verify that it was Mr. T’s. It was, and we exclaimed our joy! Mr. T declined to file charges and they led the most ragged, broke-ass people I’ve every seen from the room and out of the hotel.
It turns out, the guy I picked out in the lobby was not the guy who stole the laptop, but a friend of his. Had it not been for a little intelligent thought, some good timing, and a LOT of luck, this could be a very depressing, very HYPOTHETICAL story. But alas, tonight we will celebrate our HYPOTHETICAL victory over our HYPOTHETICAL villain, with very REAL alcoholic slushies!! Hooray, alcoholic shlushies.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
On the Road Again—Is the airline industry just fucking with America?—I’m befuddled.
After a two month break in work travel, I’m off to the Crescent city for what I can only anticipate will be long days and even longer nights. Those of you who read my blog religiously, (guid, you still reading?), know that New Orleans is one of my favorites. So it was with utter joy that I sprang from bed this morning at 5:45, showered, and headed out to my taxi.
Had the most enjoyable cab ride ever on my way to National. Normally, I cannot stand it when cab drivers want to chat, but this guy (we’ll call him Norman) was awesome. 75 years old (looked 50), 6 kids and a wife. Told me all about his cop-daughter who locked up her boyfriend for lighting her on fire, and get this, locked up her own brother (cab driver’s son) for stealing all her stuff. (she sounds tough) You should have seen him beaming with pride.
Enough about Norman, on to the subject of this blog. I’m becoming increasingly concerned about the stupidity of the common American and the airline industry’s attempts to deceive us.
When you board a plane, the head flight attendant, during his or her schpeal, tells you that “the use of cell phones is not permitted when the doors are closed because your cell phone might interfere with the proper operation of the plane.” How in GOD’S NAME can that be true? I’m no aeronautics expert, but I’m pretty sure that aircrafts work on a VERY sophisticated system, like sonar for the air (or radar, if you like). My point being, how can a cell phone possibly interfere with the aircraft’s operation? Do cell phones show up as tiny blips on radar causing air traffic controllers to think that 250 planes are crashing miles above them? Do they make planes invisible on radar threatening to cause collisions that no one could predict? I don’t think so.
What I do think is that the airline industry does not want two hundred and fifty self-important and bored people yakking away for two and half hours inside a tiny metal tube. And I don’t blame them. I fully support the no cell phones on planes idea. I don’t want to hear some suburban housewife, off for a jaunt with her college friends, cooing into the phone at a bratty two year-old who won’t take a nap without mommy singing the spider song. Or some ridiculous, over-paid financial analyst barking away at his petrified assistant about this quarter’s declining numbers and how he was supposed to have that report 48 hours ago, and how if she knew what were good for her, she’d pick up the phone, and call down to accounting and find out where the fuck it is.
No, this would be just as irritating to me as it would be to everyone else to hear me whining about some inane makeup or shoe disaster I might be having (ex. “Libbbbbbyy, I can’t believe I forgot my tan peep-toes, now I’m going to have to wear my tan closed toed shoes. What WILL I do???”) No, it’s definitely better that I am not allowed to talk on the phone during air travel.
My question though is, why do they have to lie to us and make it about imminent danger? Why don’t they just say “no cell phones because with those hunks of plastic stuck to your heads you all become instant assholes and we don’t want to spend this flight daydreaming about pouring burning hot coffee in your laps on purpose”? I’d be totally cool with that. Wouldn’t you? The motion picture industry tells you to turn off your cell so as not to irritate others, why can’t the airline?
I get it though, fear is the number one motivator, and they use it because they don’t want the slippery slope of cell phone use to start so they scare us with what is clearly a bold faced lie. Airline industry: 1, America: 0.
The other bone I have to pick with airlines is this “your window shade must be up during takeoff and landing for your safety.” WHAT THE FUCK? Does the pilot have some weird rearview mirror that allows him to look out the incredibly tiny windows in each row to maneuver the plane down the runway? That doesn’t seem plausible. With the shade closed, will we all get disoriented and have psychotic breaks when we are airborne after previously being grounded. I’m guessing if that happens to you, you may have had some pretty big personal safety concerns before boarding the plane. This window shade rule completely befuddles me. Any answers you could give would really straighten some things out for me. I’m guessing this one isn’t even for a good reason—just another way for the man to control us. Airline industry: 2, America: Still 0.
For now, I have to shut down all “electronic devices” and lift up my window shade….we’re landing in the Big Easy….I’ll write more after 6-10 alcoholic slushies (YAY!)
After a two month break in work travel, I’m off to the Crescent city for what I can only anticipate will be long days and even longer nights. Those of you who read my blog religiously, (guid, you still reading?), know that New Orleans is one of my favorites. So it was with utter joy that I sprang from bed this morning at 5:45, showered, and headed out to my taxi.
Had the most enjoyable cab ride ever on my way to National. Normally, I cannot stand it when cab drivers want to chat, but this guy (we’ll call him Norman) was awesome. 75 years old (looked 50), 6 kids and a wife. Told me all about his cop-daughter who locked up her boyfriend for lighting her on fire, and get this, locked up her own brother (cab driver’s son) for stealing all her stuff. (she sounds tough) You should have seen him beaming with pride.
Enough about Norman, on to the subject of this blog. I’m becoming increasingly concerned about the stupidity of the common American and the airline industry’s attempts to deceive us.
When you board a plane, the head flight attendant, during his or her schpeal, tells you that “the use of cell phones is not permitted when the doors are closed because your cell phone might interfere with the proper operation of the plane.” How in GOD’S NAME can that be true? I’m no aeronautics expert, but I’m pretty sure that aircrafts work on a VERY sophisticated system, like sonar for the air (or radar, if you like). My point being, how can a cell phone possibly interfere with the aircraft’s operation? Do cell phones show up as tiny blips on radar causing air traffic controllers to think that 250 planes are crashing miles above them? Do they make planes invisible on radar threatening to cause collisions that no one could predict? I don’t think so.
What I do think is that the airline industry does not want two hundred and fifty self-important and bored people yakking away for two and half hours inside a tiny metal tube. And I don’t blame them. I fully support the no cell phones on planes idea. I don’t want to hear some suburban housewife, off for a jaunt with her college friends, cooing into the phone at a bratty two year-old who won’t take a nap without mommy singing the spider song. Or some ridiculous, over-paid financial analyst barking away at his petrified assistant about this quarter’s declining numbers and how he was supposed to have that report 48 hours ago, and how if she knew what were good for her, she’d pick up the phone, and call down to accounting and find out where the fuck it is.
No, this would be just as irritating to me as it would be to everyone else to hear me whining about some inane makeup or shoe disaster I might be having (ex. “Libbbbbbyy, I can’t believe I forgot my tan peep-toes, now I’m going to have to wear my tan closed toed shoes. What WILL I do???”) No, it’s definitely better that I am not allowed to talk on the phone during air travel.
My question though is, why do they have to lie to us and make it about imminent danger? Why don’t they just say “no cell phones because with those hunks of plastic stuck to your heads you all become instant assholes and we don’t want to spend this flight daydreaming about pouring burning hot coffee in your laps on purpose”? I’d be totally cool with that. Wouldn’t you? The motion picture industry tells you to turn off your cell so as not to irritate others, why can’t the airline?
I get it though, fear is the number one motivator, and they use it because they don’t want the slippery slope of cell phone use to start so they scare us with what is clearly a bold faced lie. Airline industry: 1, America: 0.
The other bone I have to pick with airlines is this “your window shade must be up during takeoff and landing for your safety.” WHAT THE FUCK? Does the pilot have some weird rearview mirror that allows him to look out the incredibly tiny windows in each row to maneuver the plane down the runway? That doesn’t seem plausible. With the shade closed, will we all get disoriented and have psychotic breaks when we are airborne after previously being grounded. I’m guessing if that happens to you, you may have had some pretty big personal safety concerns before boarding the plane. This window shade rule completely befuddles me. Any answers you could give would really straighten some things out for me. I’m guessing this one isn’t even for a good reason—just another way for the man to control us. Airline industry: 2, America: Still 0.
For now, I have to shut down all “electronic devices” and lift up my window shade….we’re landing in the Big Easy….I’ll write more after 6-10 alcoholic slushies (YAY!)
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