17 hours of theft, intrigue and sleuthing

I’m going to tell you a completely hypothetical story. I’m not saying that this did or didn’t happen in the last 24 hours (I wouldn’t want to negatively impact pending litigation) but it’s a good story.

So….let’s say I’m away on a trip for work in a city in the south….maybe for instance New Orleans…

And let’s say after a very trying day of missing materials and hotel inconveniences, I was very much looking forward to a nice relaxing dinner and several stiff drinks. As I packed up my stuff and went to secure breakout rooms, all I could think of was how much my feet hurt and how happy I was to be dropping my bag off in my room. As I rode the elevator up to my floor, my phone rang and I could hear a panicked faculty member through static. Though I didn’t know what he was saying, I was sure something was wrong. I dropped off my bag and headed back to our program room where I was immediately informed that my faculty member’s (whose name might be Mr. T) laptop was taken. My mouth hung open in disbelief and we called security. The security guard came and questioned us for about 20 minutes. Although he seemed to partially grasp the situation, I was concerned. Mr. T was FLIPPING out because of the confidential nature of the files on the computer. The security guards fumbled around some and then called me into the back of the house. I directed them re: which camera angles to look at and what time to check and finally, eureka, we found a two minute period where a young man walked into the room and then walked out with Mr. T only paces behind him. From the footage it seemed that Mr. T might have been a witness to the theft of his very own computer! (crazy, right?) and so I went and got him and brought him to the pill-box of a security office. As we pieced the tape together, watching all the angles, it showed Theodore Thief going up in the elevator. I requested that the security officers continue piecing together events and let us know what floor he got off on. As I headed out to dinner, a despondent Mr. T slunk off to his room.

I got to the restaurant, gave the rest of the faculty an update and ate my dinner. Spent not enough time on Bourbon Street and then turned in, silently praying for the return of the computer before I drifted off.

I sprang from my bed startled by the phone at 5:38 am. I answered groggily and a response came “The game is afoot” said a manic Mr. T. “I’ve spoken to security and the bastard got off on 4. I’m staking out the elevator. Can you bring me coffee? Oh, and am I supposed to present today?” I informed Mr. T, still not totally sure what the hell he was talking about, that yes, in fact, he was presenting twice today, and that I’d have coffee to him asap. I stepped off the elevator on 4, after having quickly gotten ready and brewed coffee in my in-room machine, to Mr. T, cross-legged on the floor, staring at the hallway. I gave him his coffee and asked if there was anything else I could do. As I left, I felt bad leaving him, looking so sad on the floor of an elevator bank.

I went downstairs and demanded an update from security. “we’re working on it” was the only response I got. Hours passed, me making futile inquires, them providing inadequate responses until my course advisors got involved. They demanded to see managers, they threatened action, and the wheels started turning. They were able, in a way I wasn’t due to hotel relations, to scare the shit out of management. As I walked to the front desk for an update, I spotted a young guy, unsavory looking, around the same physical description as Theodore Thief. He was headed to the elevator. I quickly spun on my heels and whisper-screamed to a faculty member passing by (You may remember this faculty member, Biff, from a previous blog), “Biff, I think that’s the guy!!!!”

In a flash, Biff vaulted toward the elevator, with no thought to his own personal safety, no regard for his own life or limb, and squeezed through the closing doors. I said a silent prayer that I hadn’t just sent him off to a terrible fate, and ran to find the security guy.

Biff returned with the information that the suspect had gone into one of a few rooms and provided room numbers. He also did an amusing reenactment of himself trying to act casual in the elevator, and lost once exited from the elevator.

Security took the information Biff provided and did…..well, basically nothing with it. Finally, I spoke to the general manager of the hotel and explained that if they could just get a print of the security tape that we could show Biff, he would be able to confirm whether or not it was him. The GM instead sent housekeeping staff to do a “spot check” of the rooms in question.

All of a sudden a flurry began. They asked for a description of the computer, and where Mr. T was right now.

The skankiest looking coke whore I’ve ever seen was then escorted off the elevator by one of the security guards. (we’ll call him Xavier.) They walked out of the hotel and moments later, back in with a laptop. My heart leapt. I had to figure out how not to get Mr. T too excited before I knew more. This turned out not to be possible as he needed to identify said laptop. I pulled him from his breakout room and told him the news. We were escorted to the 2nd floor where police and hotel security waited. They presented us with a laptop and asked us to verify that it was Mr. T’s. It was, and we exclaimed our joy! Mr. T declined to file charges and they led the most ragged, broke-ass people I’ve every seen from the room and out of the hotel.

It turns out, the guy I picked out in the lobby was not the guy who stole the laptop, but a friend of his. Had it not been for a little intelligent thought, some good timing, and a LOT of luck, this could be a very depressing, very HYPOTHETICAL story. But alas, tonight we will celebrate our HYPOTHETICAL victory over our HYPOTHETICAL villain, with very REAL alcoholic slushies!! Hooray, alcoholic shlushies.