On the Road Again—Is the airline industry just fucking with America?—I’m befuddled.

After a two month break in work travel, I’m off to the Crescent city for what I can only anticipate will be long days and even longer nights. Those of you who read my blog religiously, (guid, you still reading?), know that New Orleans is one of my favorites. So it was with utter joy that I sprang from bed this morning at 5:45, showered, and headed out to my taxi.

Had the most enjoyable cab ride ever on my way to National. Normally, I cannot stand it when cab drivers want to chat, but this guy (we’ll call him Norman) was awesome. 75 years old (looked 50), 6 kids and a wife. Told me all about his cop-daughter who locked up her boyfriend for lighting her on fire, and get this, locked up her own brother (cab driver’s son) for stealing all her stuff. (she sounds tough) You should have seen him beaming with pride.

Enough about Norman, on to the subject of this blog. I’m becoming increasingly concerned about the stupidity of the common American and the airline industry’s attempts to deceive us.

When you board a plane, the head flight attendant, during his or her schpeal, tells you that “the use of cell phones is not permitted when the doors are closed because your cell phone might interfere with the proper operation of the plane.” How in GOD’S NAME can that be true? I’m no aeronautics expert, but I’m pretty sure that aircrafts work on a VERY sophisticated system, like sonar for the air (or radar, if you like). My point being, how can a cell phone possibly interfere with the aircraft’s operation? Do cell phones show up as tiny blips on radar causing air traffic controllers to think that 250 planes are crashing miles above them? Do they make planes invisible on radar threatening to cause collisions that no one could predict? I don’t think so.

What I do think is that the airline industry does not want two hundred and fifty self-important and bored people yakking away for two and half hours inside a tiny metal tube. And I don’t blame them. I fully support the no cell phones on planes idea. I don’t want to hear some suburban housewife, off for a jaunt with her college friends, cooing into the phone at a bratty two year-old who won’t take a nap without mommy singing the spider song. Or some ridiculous, over-paid financial analyst barking away at his petrified assistant about this quarter’s declining numbers and how he was supposed to have that report 48 hours ago, and how if she knew what were good for her, she’d pick up the phone, and call down to accounting and find out where the fuck it is.

No, this would be just as irritating to me as it would be to everyone else to hear me whining about some inane makeup or shoe disaster I might be having (ex. “Libbbbbbyy, I can’t believe I forgot my tan peep-toes, now I’m going to have to wear my tan closed toed shoes. What WILL I do???”) No, it’s definitely better that I am not allowed to talk on the phone during air travel.

My question though is, why do they have to lie to us and make it about imminent danger? Why don’t they just say “no cell phones because with those hunks of plastic stuck to your heads you all become instant assholes and we don’t want to spend this flight daydreaming about pouring burning hot coffee in your laps on purpose”? I’d be totally cool with that. Wouldn’t you? The motion picture industry tells you to turn off your cell so as not to irritate others, why can’t the airline?

I get it though, fear is the number one motivator, and they use it because they don’t want the slippery slope of cell phone use to start so they scare us with what is clearly a bold faced lie. Airline industry: 1, America: 0.

The other bone I have to pick with airlines is this “your window shade must be up during takeoff and landing for your safety.” WHAT THE FUCK? Does the pilot have some weird rearview mirror that allows him to look out the incredibly tiny windows in each row to maneuver the plane down the runway? That doesn’t seem plausible. With the shade closed, will we all get disoriented and have psychotic breaks when we are airborne after previously being grounded. I’m guessing if that happens to you, you may have had some pretty big personal safety concerns before boarding the plane. This window shade rule completely befuddles me. Any answers you could give would really straighten some things out for me. I’m guessing this one isn’t even for a good reason—just another way for the man to control us. Airline industry: 2, America: Still 0.

For now, I have to shut down all “electronic devices” and lift up my window shade….we’re landing in the Big Easy….I’ll write more after 6-10 alcoholic slushies (YAY!)